Room 101

You know how it runs…..you have a choice of three things to chuck into the famous Room 101. Here are mine…..

DEADWALKERS. This is the American term for people (and I use the word ‘people’ grudgingly) who wander about in public places with either a pair of headphones blasting out some inane crap that passes for music or their entire being glued to their i-phones like it’s some sort of umbilical cord, utterly and completely oblivious of anyone trying to get past them, of unmovable obstacles such as lampposts or even that they’re crossing a road and liable to get mown down. Frankly, our world is over-populated and they deserve to die. The zombie apocalypse is not a fictional idea; it is upon us right now.

ICEBERG LETTUCE. Can there be a more pointless foodstuff? It is without taste and without any calorific value. It is so-called because licking an actual iceberg will have much the same effect as consuming this worthless green crap. It is used by cheap cafes to fill up a plate of bland and unimaginative salad. Its only other function is to take up vital space in your fridge which could easily be taken with something nutritious like spinach or cress. I was once asked at a diner in Oregon if I wanted a salad with my meal. She plonked on my table a dish of week old iceberg lettuce, brown at the edges and drowning in sickly blue cheese sauce. No, I say, no.

DONALD TRUMP. This is a childishly easy target but I hate the bastard. I really do. He’s a low-life, ostentatious, arrogant, disrespectful, self-righteous, lying, hypocritical, spiteful, petty-minded, woefully ignorant, barely literate, racist, misogynist, homophobic, promiscuous, cheating, loud-mouthed, dysfunctional, utterly incompetent, soulless fake and empty shell who barely qualifies as a human being. He must be quickly thrown into Room 101 and there left to rot.