A big girl once came up to me after a show and said “I think you’re fatist.” I said “No. I think you’re fattest.”
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
“Did you know you’re ten times more likely to get mugged in London than New York city? That’s because you don’t live in New York city”
Has anyone else seen those powerful advertisements in cinemas where each time a famous person clicked their fingers, an African child dies? I watched those, and couldn’t help thinking, “well stop clicking your fingers!”
I did a gig in the US once for the homeless. I said “It’s nice to see so many bums on seats”.
In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but that’s a pizza.
I’d rather see a pregnant woman standing on the bus than a fat girl sitting down crying.
I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “Shagger”. You might think that’s pretty cool. She doesn’t like it.
I, of course, don’t have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.
I went up to the airport information desk. I said how many airports are there in the world?
I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him “They’re like buses.” He said “What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once?” I said “No, they are like buses!”
If you tell a girl you like her but she says “I love you more like a brother”, suggest a weekend in Norfolk. Unless you’re from Norfolk, in which case it probably is your sister.
I worry about my nan. If she’s alone and falls, does she make a noise? I’m joking, she’s dead.
I’d like to leave you ladies and gentlemen with this frightening fact: I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year. I’m not sure about you people, but I think we’re being overcharged on groceries.
I think bungee jumping is suicide for indecisive people.
I’ve got a friend; she’s got a theory. She reckons that the way to drive a man wild with desire is to nibble on their earlobes for hours on end. I think its bollocks.
I’m not being condescending, I’m too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn’t understand.
I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It’s the two from my mum that really hurt.
I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it.
Jesus loves you… He’s not ‘in love’ with you.
My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called ‘Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking’. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian…
My father always used to say, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger,” – ’til the accident.
My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying “Can I have a new bike?”. He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.
Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, “Yes, who did you think it was?”
Swimming is good for you, especially if you’re drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but you also don’t die.
Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that’s disappointed? Still no super-heroes.
Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.
Remember to Live 